Surely this sample letter will be nothing like the letter James Caan received from 'Mother' when he portraying the part of Brian Piccolo. I wonder how Brian Piccolo felt when his mother questioned his willingness to room with Sayers rather than be unemployed or get traded to a team that had cheerleaders. Mikell Clayton, former Army man and a bit sturdier than the scarecrow in the 'Wizard of Oz', reminded me that looking in the rear view mirror is still what good drivers do on occasion to see if someone is following too close or to make sure Dan Akroyd hasn't put a skeleton in their back seat as some kind of joke.
The following sample letter has been contrived for educational purposes and is not to be duplicated without the express written consent of the author:
Non-Deer Marie,
It's been wonderful not to hear from you on a regular basis and even better for you to keep away from our abode even without us having to get an official restraining order. Whew - not even a close call in over 12 years to our French thorny pig abode! We sure didn't want to have to call the police and report you as insane for wanting to visit us and your grandchildren while we were doing what Yehovah didn't want us to do, even though you are actually related to your grandchildren and want to get to know them. Why aren't you more like Theodore Jackson when it comes to your son? Why have children and then try to love them and desire a non-fictitious relationship with them? As you can tell from our lack of response to the scattered letters you do send to us, we rather you not not write to us at all but some reason reason you still write to us on occasion. What entity is suggesting you keep writing to us on a about twice a month? If it's a neighbor, tell them to mind their own business! If it's a relative, tell them to not be concerned about our lack of response and not to worry about our ability to evade questions. Why should they care if we make you feel unwelcome? After all, would they want a person guilty of municipal disorderly conduct in Wisconsin 10 years ago to be be their friend or relative?????
Why do you ask us questions we won't answer without a deposition? Can't you tell by now we want to remain secretive and are putting a lot of effort into people much more important to us than you, Marie from Milwaukee? Sure, you exhibited enough self-control and went to enough anti-drug counseling sessions to slide through a 1 year probation period that Vincent Howard the non-Borden mammal ordered in Wisconsin, but what have you done since then to stop behaving disorderly or to make us think you won't try to move furniture around in our abode as if you wanted to play 'Quentin Doll House' with us? Unlike the Canadian border officials, the Ontario Provincial Police, the deputy Tony who WANTS to live across the street from you, the USA border patrol who lets you pass through security gates as though you're some kind of law-abiding citizen and a decent retired Milwaukee Police officer, we still don't trust you. So what if Bowling Green, Ohio cops and all kinds of law enforcement officials and most USA and Canadian businesses know you represent the people of Yehovah and his calendar solemnities? We don't trust you enough to do anything more than try to keep you away from our abode indefinitely. What the Brian Heck or what the Dick Heckel? We'll even go so far as to move to England if it shows we want to dissuade you and your budget from visiting your grandchildren, since we know our children's other grandparents have no problem coming up with airline fare to Las Vegas or Europe, but you still do on your police officer's pension.
How are you feeling years after a motorcyclist tried to murder you during a traffic stop? Did your police uniform help you, even though someone from our legal family even stole your Milwaukee Police rain suit eventually? Do you have any scars from the time a prisoner bit you on your mammary gland area? Oh well, enough of the Green Bay Small typing; here's our real Christian line of questioning:
1. We are wondering why you keep blogging when you could have been writing to us directly about how sad you are because we won't trust you as much as Canadian and USA border patrol agents or Michigan deputies or people that are trying to help you as though you were some sort of Virginia Hall during World War V instead of Tom Bosley during World War II.
2. We are wondering what it will take for you to actually believe there is NEVER going to be a time when we will let you spend time alone with your grandchildren like your grandparents spent time alone with you or like our grandparents spent time alone with us. You seem to want a more definite short term plan of family repair work meetings but we prefer a long, vague plan of action that will appease onlookers; we only have a short time and want to keep our contact with you to a French thorny pig minimum, not a turtle, turtle dove or DARE bear maximum.
3. We were wondering why you are angry at us and not angry at people who have been kind to you only because we have refused to let you visit us or your grandchildren since 2010 AD. Do you expect us to believe that the punishment your received from the Wisconsin courts ( a divorce certificate, loss of the land you parents gifted to you, your job as a bookkeeper, and 1 year of probation for disorderly conduct) was enough? Why were you 'acting out' when your employee was stealing from you and you were frequently hardly able to breath because of asthma attacks induced our father who isn't in heaven, Shane David Hendrikson's insistence on wearing 'Old Spice' deodorant rather than something that didn;t trigger an asthma attack, was sufficient to hurt you or correct a problem? When you were acting out, you drew so much attention to yourself that it seemed as though you wanted someone to help you when you were in danger. We can't believe you that you will ever stop acting disorderly in public, even if your dwelling is much more clean and organized than the house the state of Wisconsin gave you to live in, namely the non-Manitoba Sequoia.
4. We were wondering what it will take for you to become so sad and so discouraged with our output after your input that you break down completely or quit trying to become our friends. Please let us know what events would have to occur for you to stop trying to get an invitation to the Christian tea parties or family gatherings we have been having a wonderful time at without you. Will you have to die before that occurs? If so, why are you so stubborn? Give up and focus on people other than our family tree!
5. We have heard 1 of the ABSURD and INSANE reasons you will not appear at our dwelling without an invitation is because you actually think we might call the police on you if you try to surprise us with a visit in Wisconsin. Did you pass probability and statistics at UW-Madison or what? So there is a possibility that we might call the police on you claiming we feel threatened by your attempts to befriend us, but why let us know that we might do exactly that if you show up in person without an invitation? Don't you know we have Santa Claus to bring surprises to our family and don't want any gifts, hand-written letters or surprise visits from you, a Yahwehist? Why are you afraid of going to jail again in Wisconsin after they mistreated you there, expected you to shower naked in front of Marathon county jail personnel as wicked as Jimmy Costa and gave you pork to eat when you were being punished without before a trial like Yeshua? Just because your ex-husband lied to get a 42 month restraining order against you and then you were so self-controlled that you are still staying away from him even after you obtained his address of 5318 Lake Drive (Rib Mountain, WI) because you actually think he is dangerous and hates you doesn't give us the rights or the lefts to think you might try to surprise us with a visit if you obtain our address in Wisconsin.
6. As you can see, we want to keep our actual names out of this letter, but don't mind if our family names appear on legal public divorce certificates, FACEBOOK, HGTV, tombstones or places that are seen by many more people than a Blogger site that involves highlighted mention of an Ephod instead of Corey Crawford and Braden Holtby on the left and Giguere on the right, as is the case when Zamboni Man lets you attend his anti-drug physical therapy center on a regular basis without a doctor's order and without our written consent. We will let you know if we come up with a better new name for us than Mr. and Mrs. French Thorny Pig. Theodore Jackson, the close buddy of Carla Derringer, came up with 'Xavier' and a 2nd social security number to confuse record keepers and avoid contact with you, the mother who bore me long before Cheryl Brown invaded 1602 Mary Lane. Did you real feel it was wrong when Cheryl Brown used your family Outback car without your consent so she could prove Shane David Hendrikson loved her more than he loved you or the commandment writers? Did you really think your crummy insurance company would up your rates if she got in an accident while using your family car with only your unfaithful husband and my non-heavenly father's consent? Until then, make sure you do not use our official names in your blog so search engines won't pop this blog up when people are trying to find out about us and our religious missionary work on Facebook, HGTV or UWM.ORG.
7. We are still trying to prove to others that we are saved, so don't you try to improve our reputation by trying to be a peacemaker when there is plenty of reason for the hostility between us. You know we don't like your negative feedback and your flippant, anti-suicide writings. Why do you refuse to write all the good things we have done for others while we have been totally avoiding you intentionally and with only a tidbit of malice in our brains? Do we have to send you a list of all the times we showed that we cared about you and your spiritual walk after your baptism in the River Jordan? Why in the world won't you write about what you haven't witnessed for a change??????? Stop writing about your experiences and try to write about imaginary things so it will appear as though you are delusional and still unable to take care of yourself or others!!! Can''t you write about talking cars like a Dodge Daytona or computers that wear sandals from Coconut Bay in Vieux Fort? Are you really so stubborn you won't give up on us completely until Hell, Michigan gets as hot as Tel Aviv in summer? Why are you trying to control your own blog when we want you to edit it like Ted Knight or Ed Asner and the Detroit Free Press? I suppose you even think you'll never get your World Book Encyclopedia's back that you won as a small girl in a 'Cappy Dick' art contest, but that is like likely to occur than a camel getting assigned to the USA Supreme Court since you know those books were stolen by your sworn enemy, not burned up by an arsonist or borrowed by Lori Esker, one of our Wittenberg non-heavenly father's girl friends who is closer to us than you are in Michigan!
8. It sure would do us a lot of good if you started praising us and not complaining to God in prayer or to our boss at UWM.ORG for ignoring you for years, for not visiting you, for not caring how your felt after a man you loved left you for woman who is nothing like you, for refusing to answer very basic questions such as college course selections and our mailing address. When you start praising us, donating to our mission trip expenses and publicly retract your often sloppy and boring 'rear view mirror' posts about your feelings about Uriah and Zechariah, tattoos, drugs, hypocrites, unrepentant sinners, abortionists and liars, we probably* still won't change our 'modus operandus' because we are saved and going to heaven no matter what we do to you or against you according to our religion but we know that you will have decided to do your blog OUR WAY instead of your 'copper way'. We hope that this letter puts a complete stop to all the opinions and historical memory therapy sessions you conduct that have unfavorable reviews toward us in spite of all we have been willing to do for you since 2011.
9. We will try to compile a list of all the ways we have been trying to prevent you from feeling the need to air not only your grievances but also your non-drug ways to cope with the effects of all the wonderful efforts we made to try to get you to become like us..... real saved Christians who won't get cut off from our Christmas trees and grafted into your living peach tree of image of a date palm tree.
I hope this helps clarify what we really have been thinking but had been afraid to put into words until now. Thank for refusing to allow you to be like Lori Esker or Linda Maria Costa when you have not gotten your way in a relationship matter that is more important to you than to us, the real Christians of the 36 Inch Northern Trout Dagon Assembly.
You better watch inns and take care of yourself because you can't take back Carew 29 to cover your back anymore.
Your acquaintances,
Mrs. and Mr. French Thorny Pig who are are really nothing like Brian Keith
........................................................................................................................................................
Sample Rebuttal Comment A: What are you, some kind of realistic Squad 91 comedian? What gives you the right to try to inject humor into a tragic situation instead of trying to buy a lighted tactical knife and a gun so you can go deer hunting in Wisconsin again like you used to? You must be sane to try and avoid getting taken to jail again, but we, the people of the scary crucifix scenes, take in a lot more money from the insane so your writings are not profitable to us. If we want to read vulgar satire, irony, view pornography and red intentional falsehoods, there is no way we are returning to this blog site! You have lost more than 1 Reeder in your life, but don't think you can catch us American Legion people up in your Chicago 21 loop holes or get us to buy into your golf hole life insurance plan led by Benjamin Hogan! If your not lazy as John Luckey or Tom Hubred, John Dorsey might track you down in your UW-Badger hole and make you re-write every post that has an unintentional or intentional err in it while you are on PAID overtime so he can co-author your reports like he used to do.
Sample Follow-up Questions" Why didn't you take the time to mention that 1,450 pucks fit into a vertical wall inside of a hockey net and that 1550 can be split into Andrew Brunette and Jordan Binnington instead of into Bench and Bettis? How can I win the next UWSP trivia contest without getting more information from you than I can get from Michael Redmond or that shorty Emrick guy from Michigan who has been seen near Barbara Ashley? Get back to numerology and biblical stone work and keep away from topics you can't comprehend without Therese Brahm's or Bob Heminger's input!
Sample Standard Deviation Comment: If you are having some sort of human emergency, why not try to get 'The Cross Movement' musical dudes from Philadelphia to add you to their next role call to replace Tonic instead of turning to Bufflo Trace Bourbon duels? Worse yet, how about claiming you are really our east favorite Martian so you can be more like the household of Mrs. Dan Timm from Wisconsin who is not a badger?
Sample Comment to Deter Rapture suggestion: You are such as loser for not focusing totally on the future. Go try to make rhubarb crumble pie with lemons and leave the French Thorny Pig family out in the dark where they like it? Maybe Matt Light, the Boilermker from Greeenville, Ohio, can someday try to teach you a few lessons that a couple of split ends can't about defense!
Sample Black Panther Comment: Why didn't you mention Curtis Joseph and Gideon's meow mix antics in your theoretical tirade? Go eat chicken not the keeper of the Dallas Stars on Joe Pavelski's birthday ! You must have the patience of hockey puck to write fiction for more than 2 hours at a time! don't be so concerned that Garry Galley's points surpassed Steven Kariya's Maine uniform number! ( Forget that Penn State palamino chicken, Robbie Gould !)
Sample 'Jason Francisco Distant Cousin Comment: Your attempts at unpaid comical writing samples are starting to make Rob Reiner look like a paid professional comedian. Whatever you do, don't give any more tangible gifts to Paul Coffey, Sergei Krivokrasov, David B. Rushing or Andy Shier without first studying your 'Financial Peace University' diploma or until they send you an actual ''thank you' note.
Sample Jagiello University Rebuke: You could have saved a lot of time by writing down everything you remember about Jerome Pinkus and the Torah reading this week from 'Rejected By Lucifer Ministries'.
Since Olivia DeHaviland didn't have any sample letters during her scenes in 'The Snake Pit' , I thought I'd deploy one instead of trying the Don Knott's way of trying to evolve into a sketched fish with reading glasses.
Author's Error" I apologize for being wrong about the weight of the amberjack I pulled in from the waters off the North Carolina Coast; my error was unintentional, unlike people who typically lie about their weight when applying for a serious driver's license. The amberjack only weighed 85 pounds, not 87 pounds and I discovered my memory failure when I rechecked my copy of the official North Carolina fishing tournament document.
I wonder what kind of sample letter Bill Watterson would have come up with if he Calvin and Hobbes broke up so Hobbes could move in with Susie or Moe, the bully who refers to Calvin as 'Twinkie'.
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