I expressed to a counselor that some people are very disappointed in my decision to write as a means of coping with everyday life. I stated my goals were to remain sober and not turn to drugs to escape reality and that I do not over-think about what I write as though it would be a conversation. My counselor then asked me if the people who were disappointed in what, how often and where I had ejected my thoughts, both positive and negative like a real human being, were anywhere nearby to assist me if I needed a friend or an injury occurred. I told him the people who complained the most about what I write were in Europe or when they were in the USA they would not have responded in a crisis situation if I needed medical help or companionship.
My counselor told me not to worry about people's reaction to your thoughts when they were unwilling to improve your thoughts and made themselves unavailable to you. She also stated that if making my thoughts public even gave me the illusion that someone might care or consider what I had written and why my thoughts have been so diverse, that it has been open therapy such as occurs in groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, bible studies or a social support team but the faces of the readers ( listeners) were unseen. I was told that people who are most secretive about their thoughts are actually the most dangerous, since public scrutiny of a person's mental output can be helpful IF the writer is truthful and honest about their thoughts.
My counselor asked me if the people complaining about my writing have been willing to hear from me directly, and sadly I had to say 'Not really. I rarely get even a short email and only have gotten a handful of telephone calls in about 10 years.' Again, I was asked why I would be worried that the people who were not willing to be helpful toward me and would not respond in an emergency now are criticizing how I handled many bouts with depression and puzzling situations.
I told her that it was because my intention wasn't to hurt others nor to misrepresent my perspective on all types of real situations but rather to counter the pain I was feeling after close family members exited my life intentionally and I had to manage my thoughts somehow. Maybe painting a picture would have come out even worse than poetry or satire or 'reporting' an incident. I supposed that if some type of mental breakdown occurred or I suddenly became ill, my documentation might be an indicator about whatever it was that exacerbated my delicate emotional and weakened physical condition. My son expects me to think highly of him and his wife, but they have not shown an ounce of concern in most of the past decade and only once did I get a letter from their household which didn't even include any note from my son, only from his wife and his children. That gave ne optimism, but it was a 1xttime even in a decade and they reverted to putting all their effort and attention elsewhere. "
My counselor asked me if I had not written what I have written, what did I expect to occur? I said I suspect I would have had a mental collapse thinking that no one cared, not even a stranger, and that any physical or mental collapse would have made me a burden on either society, my parents or my siblings which I was trying to prevent. I recalled my Catholic godmother Aunt Esther Raczek, who rarely expressed her feelings to others while family members were unkind to her and she became reclusive and her anger bursts came out spontaneously toward others. She trusted very few peopl and frankly I didn't want that to happen to me, so writing to release seemed better than saying nothing and holding all the pain inside. I do write about what goes well because since I know how much healthier I am since a husband that hated me left, I do want the people to be recognized who have helped rather than hindered or shown no interest my recovery process.
My counselor said that my goals of not being a burden to society my parents and siblings was a good goal, my desire to stay off of drugs is a good goal and that if airing my thoughts directly to strangers helped prevent suicide, mental collapse or withdrawal from normal daily activities that it was better than doing nothing and far more reasonable than waiting around for those who are now complaining to draw close enough to bear some of my burdens for a change in my outlook.
I explained that popping pills to escape reality has not been an option because I take biblical warnings seriously; writing is legal and at least does display that although others who haven't assisted me with any recovery efforts might not agree with my opinions of them now, my brain is not in a state of confusion nor delusional about current conditions as I had been while taking daily prescriptions drugs for asthma. I also said that I do not understand why my son and his wife who have shown little to no concern about my recovery attempts after several stress collapses while I was married to an 'anti-commandment' man now expect me to have glowing and wonderful reports about how their absence and lack of concern has affected my life. I want them to care and be a part of my life, but they are too busy with the professional Christianity that is focused elsewhere and now they expect me to erase from my blog all that has happened to me without them anywhere nearby yo help or show concern. Should I erase all my writings to appease them?
My counselor thinks it is unwise to erase all my writing until I am confident that the people complaining will be part of my support system rather than asking me to erase what I have experienced. Erasing what has happened would be like forcing a person into a coma. If my thoughts had been so irrational or my coping mechanisms were very flawed, I would have ended up in jail or confined in a psych ward somewhere, but those lousy events have not occurred since false witnesses have not risen against me as they did in Wisconsin and public reports bearing lies were filed and will not go away, even at my request. Now, a couple who has done less than the minimum to pass a 'show of concern test' wants me not only to stop blogging, they won't offer a better strategy that THEY ARE WILLING TO BE PART OF. Like a dog, I suppose, I treat people respectfully who treat me with some dignity and acknowledge my defense system and I suppose I growl at those who do otherwise.
My counselor laughed and agreed with my growling dog analogy; she then asked me if I wanted to schedule another appointment time and I agreed to meet with her again.
Do people such as Robin Cook and Stephen King write novels that are non-toxic and healthy? My output has offered evaluation of my own thought process when either content, under duress or emotionally drained without any family member close enough to restore my courage. There are many people who are not afraid of me nor offended by my unusual literary methods of operation to retain sanity, and those methods expose my strengths AND weaknesses and sometimes to even make myself laugh rather than cry aloud.
It is now shabbat, and I am wondering how Marcia Snow recovered from the loss of her spouse, Sid the non-kid. Maybe if those who have been offended or disappointed by my thoughts would consider I spared them from the inconvenience of cleaning up my house after a self-inflicted wound because I managed my depression with success and avoided begging for at least one friendly visit from them, they might just be able to forgive me for not trying to survive by following their or someone else's written fictional script.
It would be much better if people who claim to love me had been willing to hear me directly or communicate with me on a regular basis rather than using a search engine to find their own name in a blog that is not nearly as important as the book of Ezequiel or Psalm 119. What would have been better often does not occur, and might never occur without a change of mindset or a change of venue.
Would this post have been better if I listed all the medications I don't take because those drugs would have injured my body and not have changed the mindset of those people who are preaching about 'Jesus' continually but who have not visited, have sent mail only 1 time in a decade, have not welcomed me into their home nor sheltered me and fed me as my Catholic friend Lorraine Mielke has, and have not shown any empathy nor offered assistance while I was trying to recover after multiple disasters occurred in our family?
What is causal in a matter is not always the same as what exacerbates improvement or disease. If I have been diagnosed with cancer, eating swine, Twizzlers and drinking Coca-cola isn't going to put the cancer into remission. If internalizing stress and emotional strain causes mental collapse (which it often does), externalizing and ejecting those stressors and strains can obviously prevent mental collapse and I am living proof of that. When brain function dies or gets impaired, you are more likely to become the victim of a crime due to lack of an ability to defend your own field position.
Little boy blue, come blow your horn... the sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
It seems even a little keeper of the flocks gets chance to sleep well when he is exhausted from doing good works according to some poets. I detect a shofar message in 'Little Boy Blue', not in 'White Boy Rick'.
And the patient said " I better not disregard Deuteronomy 27:16 and continue to take my father and my mother seriously rather than evade them indefinitely or I will be cursed.'
My counselor wants me to make another attempt peaceful contact with the people who in times past have been unwilling to participate in my recovery program. I thought I could do so by inviting them spend time with me closer to their home turf than to mine in October, since oddly enough Armada, Michigan now feels like home and Stevens Point feels like 1st base, and only a place that I need to progress from toward 2nd base, which is the Milwaukee area to me now. I like Pittsburgh and Port Elgin, since both those places are interesting 3rd base options until Michigan no longer is the place where my garden grows. I suppose I could even behave as a mute at the request of adults where parents are not prepared to hear truths and facts directly from me and where they can scrutinize and possibly censor any written communications I construct. A mute can still hear and see what is occurring and choose the best self-defense possible if sober and awake.
I told my counselor doing what she suggested might have worse results than the time I jumped off a 30 foot rocky cliff into the Cumberland River and she chuckled, suspecting my fear of getting wounded. I was told to go ahead with what she called 'The John Arnott Plan', not the "Tom Leonard/ James Madison Plan" since my counselor knows I do have physical body breaking points and failure is possible when 2 unequal forces connect.
I asked my counselor if the people I invite to begin a peace process then reject my genuine and sincere humble invitation , will they also finally and permanently stop caring about my blogs, stop being disappointed in my opinions against HGTV methods of operation, stop considering my thoughts, not regard my acts of defense and ignore my health plan ideas which thankfully at this time do not include eating soup with maggots as WWII POW's did to delay their death in concentration camps?
My counselor says she doesn't know what will happen, but that inviting them will be intending good and be a preferable option to being fearful of another rejection letter from people who have been unwilling to be a part of my post-trauma recovery team. I agree with my counselor's perspective, recalling the fact I do have quite a few very decent and kind people still on my recovery team and who actually do prove their love for me without even using that 4 letter non-capital 'l' word.
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